In Silence
by NaYmCo
Summary: There she was. I observed her for years. She had every beat of my heart since a long time ago. NanoFate
1. I

There she was.

I observed her for years.

She had every beat of my heart since a long time ago.

And she didn't notice.

Didn't even imagine what I felt for her.

We spent years and years at the same school.

And now we both were at the institute.

I loved her.

A love in full silence.

Her…

* * *

_**In silence.**_

_**I**_

_**By NaYmCo.**_

_**Translated by AnkarayaSamura.**_

_**

* * *

  
**_

A unique person for me.

I knew her without knowing her.

I watched her without watching her.

I always found her lost in thought. Who would be the person she may be thinking on? Many times I asked myself how to attract her attention. We had been coinciding for the whole life. However, she never had watched me, not a single time. The most popular person at the institute. Not just because of her marks, or because being good at sports.

But because of her beauty.

All the boys were after her.

I felt so eaten up with jealously just watching her speaking with some of them.

Someone always came, telling her that he needed to talk to her for a minute.

They went out of class and gone to the playground.

I observed her.

I knew each and every of their gestures.

I even knew when she was going to tell them "No".

But I never knew why.

Why that popular red-haired girl never said "Yes" to any of their suitors?

Me… the one who know everything about her.

What she did… the schedule she had.

Me… always gazing at her in the distance.

Wishing to be courageous enough for saying her just a simple "Hello". But I never dared to do it. Only thinking on her staring at me got me nervous. And once again, she refused to date someone. She entered again at the classroom while I turned away my eyes.

Yes.

I acted like if I didn't care about her.

But the burden at my chest shouted for the opposite. Up to the point of wishing her in full silence. She took over my dreams, controlling my whole life. No. You might say I was obsessed. But I wasn't. It certainly looks so, but it's not about that. I loved her. Since a very long time ago. I lost count of the years. She always seemed to me an angel that came only for rescuing me.

But she still passed by.

Until the day she arrived at school.

That red-haired girl with a brilliant joyful stare. It didn't take long for her to strike up friendships. She fitted into in a few days. And since then, she started to become popular. But the worst day of my life was that one, the day when another boy came up to her.

And this time, she smiled different.

It can't be.

No.

Her gestures at the playground changed.

I could even watch her blushed.

He was Yuuno Scrya.

The most popular boy at the institute too.

And then I got broken.

I got broken from the inside.

When she told him "Yes".

I looked down, sad, wishing to cry.

Wishing to disappear.

It couldn't be. That's what I repeated myself constantly.

Fate, you should have imagined it. She was popular enough to be alone for so long. What did you expect? Did you even think you could be the one? Stop dreaming again. Think clearly. You are a girl. And she is too.

Stop believing you might have had a damn chance.

You never had it.

The worst thing at the day wasn't her agree. It was bumping into them right ahead. And realizing of my dying heart at that moment. I went after the gym class to give the key back to the teacher. I was always the one to open and close the gym. It was located at the back side of the building.

At the end.

In a corner.

There they were.

Him.

Her.

Kissing each other.

My mind played a dirty trick on me.

My world became a hell.

Lost in fire seas.

In pain.

In rage.

She tore me to shreds.

My stare.

My eyes.

They didn't restrain more tears.

And they appeared.

From what there was inside of me.

Since then I became very cold.

More and more.

And my days went by. Still depending of my feelings towards her. My heart dying every second I saw her beside him. My pain spreading throughout my whole being. Even blinding my senses.

I loved her that much, that sometimes I thought I was going mad. My worst nightmare. The one hidden at the very bottom of my soul. It was coming true.

We may consider I was a happy girl, at least at others' eyes. After the institute, I was going home.

My daily routine.

To drop the schoolbag on my bed.

To change my clothes.

To keep feeling that pressure inside my chest.

To falsely smile at my mother. Though she knew me very well and always noticed when something was wrong.

Something I never said.

I guess she didn't want to inquire into it so much. Since I wasn't her true daughter.

Unfortunately I learned about pain and loneliness when I was a child.

My real mother never wanted me, and I couldn't meet my dear sister. She died before I was born.

And finally, my mother disappeared only to never come back again. Since that moment, I promised myself not to feel anything towards no-one.

I wouldn't let myself to get attached to anyone.

I wouldn't let anyone to know me.

I wouldn't let myself to lose a beloved anymore.

What an irony.

Now I realize these things are inevitable.

Not long after being all alone, the one who is my current mother appeared.

Lindy-san was always the whole opposite to my biological mother.

After being adopted by her, I gained not only a very important person, but also a brother, Chrono.

Both have taken care of me since I was nine, when I entered at primary school. But despite this, there are some parts of me I'm not able to tell yet. My heart isn't ready to bear the remembrance of that pain again. So I did my best. I hid it in my deepest and built a shell.

But it didn't matter how wide it was.

She went into it.

I don't know how.

Nor why.

I just know she entered. She just slipped through it, giving heat and sweetness.

It was all a lie.

Everything was false.

She couldn't have ever given that to me, as far as she didn't know me at all.

But I could still live just by watching her.

And now… I can't anymore…

This twinge inside of my heart is killing me.

And my life kept on with this daily routine.

To sit at an armchair and see my mother preparing some tea, it was relieving.

"Fate-chan… your birthday will be soon, what does my pretty daughter want?" asked my mother smiling, as she offered me a tea cup.

"Oh… I don't really want anything, mum."

I looked at the steaming cup and took the cup.

"So, didn't you even remember that you will be seventeen within a few days?"

She watched me oddly. Yes, I'd forgotten that I'd have another birthday.

"Well…"

I turned the stare away trying to conceal the carelessness of not remembering the day which was.

All days were the same for me. I didn't notice anything between them.

"I think I know what I'll give you as a present." said while taking his thumb to the chin. I looked her and couldn't avoid a smile.

Even sad, I couldn't avoid smiling at her. She always showed me what love was. And I'll be eternally grateful for it to her.

"Fate, will you come today to the centre's library?"

That was my brother, he was studying at university. Almost every time I went to the centre, he asked me for some book. He was a good student. Me… I guess I was too.

"Yeah, sure. Do you want any concrete book?"

He caressed my head.

"Well, I want you to bring me this one."

He gave me a strange book, black-covered.

"Sure… I'll go later."

He caressed me the head again in a grateful way.

And that was everything. My relationship with them was not bad, but recently I was very distant. Though I tried them not to notice it.

I wore my jacket.

Black.

Always, or almost always, I was wearing black.

That day, the black was defining my feelings.

Dark.

Hidden.

Distant.

Cold.

I went downstairs and took my bicycle. The library wasn't far away. And besides, during spring, one could admire the cherry trees in bloom.

It was what I liked the most when I arrived to Japan. That tree. It was beautiful.

Its leaves were unfolding around me, when I was crossing a park.

I wanted to see it closer, so I stopped right there.

I was captivated by that beauty. I needed my mind to escape, at least for some minutes, from the high pressure inside of my heart.

Her name was engraved in my words.

I pronounced it silently.

All of my being was calling her constantly.

Perhaps that's why I felt she was there.

Maybe that's why I saw her there.

I felt surprised. What was she doing there?

Yes, it was a park, but it was the most deserted done at the whole neighbourhood. No-one used to go there.

Despite it was a beautiful place, it was lonesome, I still try to figure out why.

She was doing something similar to me. She was admiring those trees' sakuras, coming loose and falling slowly to the ground.

She was alone, and seemed thoughtful.

Or maybe something like… worried?

I looked down, considering if it would be good to speak with her. But I had not a single excuse to do it.

I just went blank.

I looked that black book my brother had given to me.

It was a poetry book, I already have read it. I knew many of those poems by heart. I don't know why I stood thinking about it, in such a moment like that.

"Hi… You're at my institute, aren't you?"

I looked up and she was right in front of me. I had never seen her so closely. She was just simply beautiful.

Her eyes, blue as the most precious sea, filled with light sparks.

Her copper-coloured hair waving with the breeze.

She still wore the institute's uniform.

Her hands were at her back, and she was staring at me oddly.

No words came to my mind at that moment. I was puzzled. And my soul played a dirty trick on me. My heart was beating strongly, and my cheeks were burning.

"He… Hello… Etto… y… yes, I think so."

Her voice… I couldn't describe how beautiful she was.

My hands shook and my heart was beating faster.

"Harlaown, right?"

I'd never imagined she knew my name, even less my surname.

"Y… yes… and you're Takamachi."

I would never dare to call her in a different way but her surname. That was only happening inside of my being. Only inside my skin, that now, was breathing her fragrance.

"That book you carry on the cycle… It's a poetry one, isn't it?"

I hold it in my hands for one second.

"Yes… I… we… well, I was going to the library."

I caressed the cover, feeling the nerves inside of me. It wasn't only the very first time I could see her that close, it was also the first time I was speaking with her.

"This park is beautiful; I don't know why anyone comes here."

She looked at both sides while smiling.

"Oh… I've also wondered it for so long."

And the melody of her laughter rose up.

My poor sad heart collapsed. Even my thoughts. Everything on me stopped working, at the same time I watched her laughing.

"So you come here very often… I'm here for the first time."

I left the book again at the bag.

"I live near here, that's why I know it."

She looked me as if I'd said something funny.

"Wow, so we're almost neighbours, what a coincidence."

No. It wasn't a coincidence, I simply strive myself to live there. I just insisted my mother when we changed our home.

"Y… yeah…"

Again a blush suddenly appeared at my cheeks.

"So Harlaown, it was a pleasure to meet you. After so many years and I end up meeting you here. Isn't it curious?"

Hold on a second.

Did she know about my existence?

"Me… Did you know who I was?"

Surprise invaded me for a few seconds.

"Of course, someone like you is hard to be forgotten."

What did she want to tell me?

"Someone like… me?"

She smiled me warmly and I died of joy.

"Yes, though you can't believe it, you always attracted my attention… but I never dared myself to tell you anything. It looked as if you always wanted to be alone. So I never spoke with you."

Yes, it was true; I had been trying to avoid everybody. I didn't want anyone to come any closer.

"Yeah… it looks I did well… "

I looked down while delivering those words.

"I'm glad to finally decide myself to speak with you."

I stared at her and she gave me another of her pretty looks again.

"And… why are you here? I thought someone like you was always busy…"

She grabbed my hand and I went bright red. It couldn't be. Her hand was very warm.

"Yes, it is, normally. Can I go along you to the library?"

I blinked some times with the eyes wide opened.

"Y… yeah… su… sure…"

My mouth started to fail; the words were rushing to go outside.

I went down of the bicycle and walked a stretch towards our destiny.

She was constantly speaking. It was odd, seemed like if she had never spoke to someone in that way. I, as usual, remained silent, only enjoying every second by her side.

I left the bicycle at the proper place and we entered at the library.

"I'd like to search for an interesting book." whispered me as she made me feel more nervous.

"U… um" I just nodded. Once again, the warmth of her hands took one of mines, taking me somewhere among those shelves full of stories and information.

I stopped her in order to go through one of the corridors. I was looking for something that she may like.

I raised my hands to one of the shelves and picked up a book.

"You may like this one…"

I smiled the best I can do while fixing my gaze on the way she was looking it.

"What is it about?" asked curiously.

"It's a bit tragic story, something that happened during a war."

Her eyes shined at that moment. I'd hit the nail on the head. Didn't know why, but I was sure she was going to like it. Besides it was one of my favourite books. I'd read it thousand of times.

"I'll read it, and tell you what I think of it, I promise."

My heart, that hadn't stop beating until that moment, started to throb her name… Nanoha… Nanoha… Nanoha…

"I'm… I'm sure… that you'll li… like it."

She laughed silently.

"Harlaown is very shy."

I looked oddly while looking at her.

"You can call me by my na... name if you want to."

I blushed again, her voice delivering my name's letters had to sound beautiful.

"Perfect… then… thanks for this book, Fate-chan."

There it was, my name coming out of her lips. I closed my eyes enjoying every tone while pronouncing it.

"You're… You're welcome… Takamachi."

She concealed by looking more books.

"Just call me Nanoha."

My fingers, that were showing me the titles, suddenly stopped. I could finally say her name; I could finally say it aloud.

"Nano… ha…"

She nodded.

"Nanoha…"

I liked the way it sounded in my voice. It was even more beautiful.

"That's it, I like the way Fate-chan says my name."

More colours rose up without warning to my cheeks, and my heart kept betraying me. Much more than my mind, that kept watching it all in objectivity. "She's got a boyfriend, she will never notice you", my head said. I loathed those thoughts, I didn't stand them and that was reflected upon my face.

"What's wrong, Fate-chan?"

I shook my head, pretending to conceal that everything was right.

Though it wasn't.

I remember her kissing that popular boy.

It's natural Fate; they're the most popular ones at the institute.

Eventually, we said goodbye at the park. My sadness made an impression on me. I could see her going away between cherry trees flowers, which was very romantic. There was some kind of reason telling me this would never happen again.

Though she promised to give me her view about the book, I didn't want to speak again with her.

To have hopes made me suffer.

I didn't want to become her friend.

I just wanted to remain in the distance.

And my heart stopped beating once again.

I felt a bit of happiness inside me… that I wanted to fade at that moment.

"No". I told myself. I don't want to feel this.

I don't want to have hopes, damn it!

I grabbed my painful chest.

Clenching my fists.

No.

More pain.

No.

I didn't want to bear it anymore.

I flatly refused to bear more suffering in my chest.

My soul bitterly scattered around me.

Melted like water between my fingers.

I was dying after every step she took, moving away from me.

I couldn't.

I couldn't bear it.

I didn't want anymore.

No.

I broke down when I realized that she would never be with me.

I collapsed after realizing about all that she meant to me.

I couldn't stop loving her ever.

And I only could live in my dreams.

Imagining her telling me… that she felt the same… One day.

Fate, you're stupid.

My head appeared once again. Yes, my head was always on the alert about what my heart was shouting so powerfully. Even controlling all of my actions. I didn't want to feel happy because I'll end up condemning myself. And from the distance, hidden, I was much better.

Much protected.

From her.

From me.

I didn't want to feel my body going out of control every time she came closer, I didn't want that to happen again. By then I'd taken a decision.

In case she might decide to speak with me again, I'll just simply ignore her even if my soul breaks.

Lost again.

The joy feeling was hitting my chest again by imagining her smile.

Damn Fate, no.

She's with that boy and seems happy. When I saw them kissing each other this afternoon, they seemed happy.

And they appeared late.

Those tepid tears going down my face.

No. I don't want to cry anymore.

Then I remembered all those nights overcame with moaning. Strongly embraced to the pillow and hiding my face on it. Only to avoid noises. Only not to worry my family. That was the last thing I wished. I was painfully dying inside of me every moment of my life. When she entered in my heart without permission. By then I'd lost the meaning of happiness. "That had nothing to do with me", I repeated myself again. My head had told me that for so many times…

Happiness.

I wonder how it is like.

Filling your soul and being.

Fate, forget about it. She's just not for you.

Sluggishly I moved my bicycle. Tomorrow will be another day when thousands of arrows will hammer in my heart. Ones were more accurate than others, but still painful.

Now in home, I sat in front of my desk. I did the same every day. But this time I realized of something. I couldn't open not a single book. I barely could breath, I felt my blood stopped and my heart turned into stone. I was simply dying with every second I spent all alone.

So painful.

I dropped myself on the desk. More tears. Going with the whines of my being. I was calling again that red-haired girl. How can change your life in just a few seconds. If I wouldn't have stopped to watch the cherry trees, she would have never spoken to me.

Ever.

I was sure that it had had to be in that way. And that joy inside of me, that hope again. I'll swear for thousand of things that I would never accept. She always was so important for me, without her notice. Hidden in the darkness.

Now in the distance…

My routine was changing.

And during the next day. Everything was the same. My thoughts thronged as I see her entering at the classroom. I just turned my eyes away one more time, worn out of seeing her in my dreams.

I felt she was watching me, but I didn't want to imitate her in any way.

Coldness.

I felt my soul becoming frozen.

He entered and went to speak with her. "The perfect couple", said some mates behind me. I just looked at the sky through the windows. Thoughtful, wishing to fly and going away.

To disappear among the clouds. Not to be there. Not to feel that pain.

To forget.

It was that or nothing. And the very nothingness seized of me. My body missed her without having enjoyed her ever. My hands went with my face, being useful as a support. Lethargic, unhappy. That was how I felt. But over all, lost. What shall I do? I couldn't go on in that way. From the deepest of my heart, I wished to be a normal person.

But it wasn't true.

Lie.

My head repeated me again.

The class started and I began to escape from reality. Without noticing, I started to write nonsensical things in my notebook. Eventually I created another one of those stories I used to write and publish at some forum. I imagine it was the only way I knew to get everything out, when water was almost at my neck. When I felt unable to breath, I wrote.

Every day I wrote something. Many people sent me mails praising my work. But I didn't care about that. I was just telling my sorrows in a different way.

I told them without telling them.

"Fate-chan…"

I looked up. It was lunch time and I hadn't even notice. I was just filling that notebook with words. Letters. Painful thoughts. The mark at my heart and its name were the cause.

"He… hello…"

She had taken me by surprise, just like the first time.

"I've reading that book. It's wonderful. I thank you for recommending it to me."

Serious, I stared at her for a moment.

"You are welcome…"

She smiled and I felt my heart wanting to go outside, trying to control it I collapsed again. He arrived at her back and grabbed her hand as she looked him in a beautiful way.

I was jealously.

I felt rage.

I wish she'd stare at me in that way.

I'm lost.

Lost.

I shut my eyes wishing to disappear again.

"Oh… so… sorry, I must do something. I'm glad you liked the book."

I stood up quickly and went out of the classroom. I felt her boyfriend asking about me. Natural, I'd spent almost my whole life trying to go unnoticed. And it seems I did it. I never tried to stand out more than anyone, neither to attract the attention. If somebody came closer to me, I tried to do my best to make him go away.

I didn't want to become friends with anyone.

I didn't want to suffer betrayal.

Neither remaining all alone again.

Rather I preferred to live eternally between the darkness and the pain.

It was better like this.

I felt the loss inside me again. Emptiness and loneliness sensations were filling me again. It was weird, how can you feel empty and filled of loneliness at the same time? But I felt like that.

She drove me crazy just by watching her.

Damn.

I went to the institute's flat roof, expecting that no-one would be there. It was deserted. I felt tired of my thoughts and feelings, so I fell on the ground. I stood sit on the floor resting the back on the wall. I looked at my bento, but I wasn't hungry. I hadn't eaten properly for a long time. My eyes always represented the sadness; even my mother noticed it one day.

"Fate-chan, I hope to be able to ease the pain reflected upon your eyes."

I just nodded that day. And I've spent my life trying to conceal that everything was fine. My childhood wasn't easy at all. The hatred towards my mother, and her battering and psychological abuse marked my skin and my soul.

I'll pass the rest of my life hunted down by this.

I looked down the floor. Why should I love her? Why did I fall in love with her? It wasn't fair. It wasn't. After all these years, I've just gotten this.

More wounds.

Plenty of them.

That day ended, I took my schoolbag and headed for the exit of the institute. Changing my shoes in my locker, I saw her. She was at the entrance, seemed to await someone. Later I found her fabulous boyfriend arriving and asking her something. She shook her head and he went out.

Hold on a second… did he go? Why? Wasn't supposed that they were a couple? They should go home together. Although I don't know where does he live, neither what he does. I just know he's famous for being part of a kendo club. God, I never imagined the girl of my dreams eventually dating Yuuno Scrya.

As usual I left my shoes at the locker and closed it. I removed my jacket, I was hot and undo my bow, and I was choking. Didn't know if I was nervous because I had to step by her side or…

"Fate-chan…"

I heard my name behind me. Her beautiful voice captivated my ears.

"…"

I stood wordless when turning and watching her looking at me with that pretty smile.

Fate, leave that hope again. No. Not again.

"Can we come back home together?"

I opened my eyes as much as I could. I'd spent the whole day avoiding her… and now this.

"Etto… u... um"

She covered the mouth with a hand and laughed silently.

"Fate-chan is very cute when she becomes shy."

I blushed suddenly. She was controlling me again. No. I don't want to go with her. I don't want anymore.

"I… Etto… I just remem…"

She put a finger in my lips, blushed me much more.

"Don't give me excuses, I just want to speak with you for awhile, don't think that's wrong, isn't it?"

Yes. Yes, it was. For me it was a horrible feeling inside of me. But I felt without alternative and agreed.

We started walking. I felt constantly watched.

"Why?"

I asked without thinking.

"Why? What do you mean?"

She looked at me oddly.

"Why do you want to speak with me?"

She smiled and put her hands at her back, holding her schoolbag.

"'cause I don't like to see Fate-chan all alone."

I looked down. That was exactly what I wanted: being all alone.

"It's not necessary, I like to be alone."

Her smile disappeared.

"I don't think so. We all need friends."

I stopped suddenly and stared at her eyes as I never could. They were very beautiful, pretty.

"I don't need friendships. If I would like to, I'll have them. I'm not looking for something like that."

She put her warm hand on mine, and stopped my heart when she smiled again.

"I think something terrible happened to Fate-chan, and that's the reason why she wants to be alone all the time."

But… Why was she coming up with that now?

"That's not of your concern, Nanoha. And now excuse me, I'm in a hurry."

I tried to avoid her, but she held stronger my hand, restraining my escape.

"That book you recommended me, you said it was your favourite one, wasn't it?"

And what was that book doing here? Her stare was murdering my soul pitiless.

"Yes, it is."

Her hand caressed mine.

"I think it's your favourite one because you feel identified with it."

Yes, it was true. But that wasn't something I could admit. So I falsely smiled.

"No. You're wrong. I don't feel identified with it. I've never fallen in love with anyone."

You lying Fate. You're a liar.

"I understand… I wanted to ask you something…"

For the first time I felt her eyes caressing mines. I was trying to hold her stare, but it was hard for me.

"Ask then, Nanoha."

Her hand left a void on mine. Coldness seized of me once again.

"You spent the whole morning writing something, didn't you? I think you like it; you should publish what you write. There's an internet forum, titled "The Writers Forum". I'm sure you can express there what you feel, Fate-chan."

What was this all about? Did she know the existence of that website?

"I don't know what you're talking about, I haven't been writing. I always summarize the lessons, so that must be what I was writing."

Hold on, does that mean she was looking at me? Why would she be doing that?

"Well, sorry then, I thought you liked writing. I say it because people who read much often like writing as well. I thought it would be helpful."

Damn, what was what she wanted?

"You were wrong then. I don't write. I don't like it."

You are lying. Lying Fate again. Stop being like that.

No, I can't avoid being like this.

But you love her.

But I don't want any hope.

But you need her; you want to fight for her.

But I don't want to suffer.

Damn it.

"I understand. Perhaps we could give our e-mail addresses each other and talk through instant messaging."

Via MSN? Yeah, the program was named like that, in which you add someone's address and could spend hours writing with that person.

"Are… you… on the… internet? "

Wipe away that smile, Fate. You mustn't think she'll make you happy.

True. I'll wipe it away. But it's impossible for me.

"Fate-chan has a lovely smile."

No. Damn it… my cheeks burn.

"Sure, I'll tell you my address."

Fate, even like that, you shouldn't. She'll hurt you.

I don't want her to hurt me.

But she will. You shouldn't accept.

Shut up…

My features turned upset.

"Log in tonight and we'll chat. I'm saying goodbye here, must take a different way."

I went blank. She gave me a paper with her address, didn't even give me time to thank her. She seemed to be very hurry.

It was farther than curious. That paper contained her address, but I never saw her noting it down. Could be possible that she had that intention from the very beginning? And if that was so… why? What was she looking for on me? Did she really think that I'll love her as a friend? No, that wouldn't be possible. I will never be able to love her as a friend.

I loved her.

Damned hopes.

Collapsed again as I see her in the distance.

Sorrowful I bent my head and I headed for home. When I came in, no-one was there. Sometimes it happened. My mother was recently busy in her job and couldn't be at home as much as she'd like. On the other hand, my brother was at university, so seldom I see him either.

There was a note in the kitchen, saying that mother wouldn't come until a few days. Another conference. Yeah. My mother was a good executive, a very good one, at least people said so. Very devoted to her job, so it was very frequent that she'd spent some days outside.

I don't know why she asked me about what I wanted for my birthday, if she wouldn't attend anyway. It will happen within two days but she'll still be at that conference.

Much better.

I didn't want any stupid party like last year's. Damned wishes they made me make before putting the candles out. Anyway, the more I wish something, the less it will come true.

I tediously smiled while I dropped myself at my desk's chair; I watched again that paper which contained Nanoha's address.

Damn it.

If I didn't add her, she may think I didn't care her, and precisely it was just the opposite. But I didn't want illusions in my life anymore, didn't want to fall in a new hell.

This one… with its proper name.

* * *

Logging in MSN…

Username: Testarossa_F

Password: *********

Logging in…

Welcome to MSN.

Add a Contact: Takamachi_N

Adding…

New contact added : )

Takamachi_N is logged in. ^_^

* * *

Damn it.

Undoubtedly she was hurry to log in. She already accepted me and I must speak to her now.

But I don't want to.

Probabilities about her feeling the same as me go around…

Zero per cent, Fate. Feels you haven't noticed yet, right?

Shut the fuck up!

But it's the truth, and you know it.

I don't want to listen to you anymore.

You're not crazy. It's just your conscience speaking to you, recently louder than your own heartbeats.

That's not true.

But she will never be able to love you.

I know it…

Don't be sad, you've known that for awhile.

I know it too, but it's this damn hope…

Erase it.

I can't, I don't know how to.

Yes, you can.

No. I can't, oh for the sake of God, leave me alone now…

--

_Nanoha says:_

Hi Fate-chan!

_Fate says: _

Hello Nanoha.

_Nanoha says: _

I'm glad that you added me.

_Fate says: _

I told you I will, didn't I?

_Nanoha says: _

Yeah, but you didn't feel to be very convinced of it.

_Fate says:_

Well, I added you already. Feel happy now?

_Nanoha says: _

Mou, Fate-chan, the first time we spoke you were so kind, what happens with me now?

_Fate says: _

There's nothing wrong, it's just that it feels like you'd like to read my thoughts.

_Nanoha says: _

That's not true. But I always find you alone and I don't want that to go on.

_Fate says: _

Who told you I wanted to be with someone?

_Nanoha says: _

Nobody told me, but we all need a friend's support, just like I told you before.

_Fate says: _

And I'll tell you the same as before. I don't want to become friends with anyone. And I don't feel like going on this subject. I don't even know why I logged in.

_Nanoha says:_

It's okay, calm down. Nyahaha. I just wanted to know if you weren't writing any story for real.

_Fate says: _

I don't know what you're talking about.

_Nanoha says: _

I'm sorry, but I want you to forgive me in advance. But when I came closer to you today, I couldn't avoid reading something that you wrote.

_Fate says: _

So now what? Are you a spy? Stop hunting me out.

_Nanoha says: _

Nyahaha but don't be cross, please, I didn't meant to do it. And… what I read seemed sad to me, though beautiful as well, and that's why I told you about the forum.

_Fate says: _

I don't want to publish anything, why do you worry so much about me, huh? You don't know me, we've been in the same class for years and you never watched me. What's wrong with you now? Why are you so interested in me?

_Nanoha says: _

Calm down. I'm worried because I think you're lost, by an evident unknown reason for me. And you think I never watched you when that isn't true. It's just that the years passed by and I never knew how to come up to you. Until the other day, I felt it was a good chance. And regarding your last question, I want to be your friend, no matter if you say it's unnecessary.

_Fate says:_

There's no way I can change your mind, isn't it? You're so stubborn.

_Nanoha says: _

I know, nyahaha, but Fate-chan is an obstinate.

_Fate says: _

I'm not obstinate!

* * *

Do you really want to log out?

Yes.

Logging out…

Logged out.

* * *

I told you.

Shut the fuck up!

She'll hurt you. I told you.

Leave me alone.

I can't. I'm important for you. I'm the one who tells you what's right and what's wrong. She will never love you; wipe those ideas away from your head, Fate.

I know it, so shut the fuck up!

Everything was horrible. Damn it, now she insisted on becoming friends with me. After years watching me and now, just now, she wants to be my friend.

I bowed my head and showed a lost stare. My tears suffocated me again. I wanted to die. I couldn't stand that pain.

I put my hand on my chest. Stop hurting me, damned heart.

Feels bitter to know how much I love her and just surrender at the same time.

And what did you expect? That she'll fall in love with you?

No. I knew that already. You don't have to mention it. Every time you do it you break my soul.

Which soul? Do you mean that horrible black mass you carry within?

Yes. Whatever it is like, it's mine. And you're breaking it.

You're wrong; it's just that it's turning blacker.

No. I stood sharply up of the chair and started to wander around the house.

I arrived at the kitchen.

Needed water, took a glass with my hand.

Vent the rage.

Leave me alone.

You're useless.

Shut up.

You're swine.

Shut the fuck up!

I started trembling because of the rage.

My soul hurt.

The heart.

A rage within fulfilled my whole being.

My eyes still tearful.

And the glass shattered in a thousand of pieces.

The pieces of glass were sticking in my hand.

I felt them penetrating my skin.

Blinding me in pain.

I looked at the palm full of fragments from that glass. I had a few cuts that seemed deep. Some of those pieces were stuck and the pain became unbearable.

I shouted while removing those glasses sharply.

The blood dripped.

Drenching my whole hand.

My opened eyes.

I shut them.

What a relief sensation.

Yes, your heart doesn't hurt.

My heart doesn't hurt.

I watched that red sea still overflowing quickly.

Damn it.

So what am I going to do now?

Bandage the hand.

Yes, I'd better off.

I must search for gauzes and bandages.

I went to the bathroom. My mother always had a medicine cabinet.

I found there everything I needed to heal me up. But it hurt so much.

I took my hand under the tap water.

Damn, this didn't look good. But I'd better off not to say anything.

You won't say anything.

I won't say anything.

Shut up.

I'll shut me up.

Shut up.

I know, shut the fuck up!

It hurts. But doesn't hurt much as my inside.

Blood.

Yes. I'd hurt my hand. I could clearly see some deep cuts that refilled with a red liquid instantly.

God, but this really hurts.

But I didn't care. Any physical pain was better than the one within.

As evening passed by, my hand was inflaming more and more. The bleeding stopped though the bandages were stained and I shall change them again…. When I looked at the injuries, they looked pretty bad. I felt tremendously bad. But I won't worry anyone. Not because of this. I wouldn't. I decided to keep quiet.

Unless my mother.

Don't tell her.

I won't, but… how can I conceal it?

Just don't show it once you're in front of her. You wouldn't like to worry her, would you?

No. Not that. I don't want to worry her anymore. She has enough things on her head. A so horrible and useless daughter like me was all she needed.

I agree with you. You're useless.

Then I'll hide this to everyone. But what will I do at the institute? I can't conceal something like this, can I?

Yes you can, you don't have to worry, as no-one ever notices you. That's what you've always pretended, isn't it? Not to let anyone know who you are.

The swelled hand. Cuts weren't pleasant to see. More gauzes and bandages. I couldn't even touch it. It hurt so much, but what I felt in my heart took my off. And somehow that relieved me.

I finally bind up, though I know it won't do so much. But at least the bleeding would stop before it'd started again.

The best would be to hide something like this.

The following days, nobody noticed anything. No-one even asked me why I was wearing that bandage. And at home, my mother would be another week outside. My brother almost never went through home, just to sleep. I spent all the time avoiding Nanoha, but it seemed she was going to keep insisting.

But my hand…

Was worsening. Recently I felt sick very often. And when I changed the bandages, the injuries looked even worse. I had a temperature almost always. The pain was so unbearable that I couldn't move sometimes.

I scarcely had a bite to eat.

I felt nauseated.

And the painkillers I took didn't make me anything. I was going to the chemist's every other minute, asking for something stronger. But I felt the same with all of them.

I was going crazy.

Yes, you're crazy. One day you won't be able to stand up from bed and you'll rot on it.

Shut up!

The worst time was playing basket during class. I caught the ball with the wounded hand without noticing, I thought I was going to faint because of the pain. And it started bleeding again, staining the bandages.

I started feeling sick and my vision was blurring.

I had to stop dead.

I just went blank, and found Nanoha staring at me.

Watching me from the stands.

I'd squatted, leaning my left hand on the knee, while hiding the other hand, trying to conceal. I didn't want anyone to see those white bandages turning red. My breath was laboured and the damned temperature was wearing me out.

I wasn't going to faint there. I couldn't, because they'll find out about my hand and everybody will worry.

The teacher came closer to me, worried.

"Harlaown, are you okay?"

She squatted to see my face.

"Y… Yeah, I'm fine."

No, you're not fine. The pain and discomfort keeps worsening and the pills you're taking don't fade the temperature enough. You've taking them every hour and it doesn't fade anyway.

I watched covertly the hand. Blinked a few times trying to focus the sight. The teacher kept speaking but I didn't hear anything.

Everything started to spin around, and when I stood up, I staggered a bit. I smiled, didn't know how. And told her I needed to go to the toilets.

It hurts.

Damned hand, the pain was more than unbearable.

Pain.

It felt like tearing.

Pain.

If my mother sees it, she could kill me because I didn't tell her anything.

Pain.

I arrived to the toilets almost holding on the walls.

Pain.

Shut the fuck up, bloody hell!

I washed my face the best I could. The temperature didn't fade, pills normally faded it a bit, but they weren't doing anything since two days. I ironically smiled.

"I should visit a… doctor…" I whispered.

A figure at the door attracted my attention. I felt like drunk.

After that… my body didn't bear anymore…

And I felt that figure running to pick me up.

I'd felt so faint that I'd lost my balance.

Don't faint.

That's what I'm trying.

Don't faint.

I don't want to.

Don't faint.

I'm strong, I won't.

"Fate-chan… what's going on with you?"

I opened my eyes and made out Nanoha, holding me.

"Nanoha… oh… no… nothing, it's ju… just that I ate something that made me sick."

She slipped her fingers through my forehead.

No.

I was already lost.

"Oh my God Fate-chan, you have much a temperature."

Damn it. I sat up as I could and sharply moved her hand away.

"No… leave me alone. Don't touch me…"

God, what a pain. I didn't know what hurt more. I was dying for her… I could die just by watching her. That would mean the sweetest death for me.

"Fate-chan please, this isn't just something that made you sick. And I've been figuring out these days what happens in your hand. Your temperature is very high. Let's go to the nursery."

I shut and squeezed my eyes strongly.

"NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

I didn't want anything from her.

No.

No.

No…

I went out running… didn't even know how…

I ran…

Ran…

Ran…

Just wanted to escape…

Just… wished to…

Escape…

* * *

Author Note

So you may say, what the hell is this? Well, another of my crazy stories. I don't know where this fic came from. Don't ask me about it. I was just listening to Nana Mizuki and started writing, and once I noticed, I'd filled 27 pages. They seem so much regarding these terms, but it's not much than 7000 words. So I only expect you to understand what I pretend to say in this fic. Best regards and see you on the next chapter. And don't worry; I won't leave 7 days or short stories. I'll stay here for a long time so I still have enough time to keep writing. ^^

Translator Note

Well, it is the very first fic I translate from Spanish to English, so you might notice lots of mistakes, grammatical and lexical ones, so I say sorry. I'd like them not to interfere much with the plot development.


	2. II

Feeling sick…

Feeling sick, I stopped at a corner. I'd run without stopping, leaving the institute behind. My whole body was shaking.

It hurts, doesn't it?

You're tormenting me again…

Yes, it's me again. I'm inside of you; it's natural that you can hear me.

I love to hurt your heart.

That stupid weak heart.

No… leave me alone!

* * *

_**In silence.**_

_**II**_

_**By NaYmCo.**_

_**Translated by AnkarayaSamura**_

_**

* * *

  
**_

I don't know how I managed to, but I arrived at home. As soon as I came in, without even closing the door, I collapsed on the sofa.

Pain.

It hurt so much that I was shaking. Bloodstains across the bandage.

Now that I think about it, Nanoha may have seen them.

Yes, I'm sure of it.

So what?

Well… I don't want her to know about this.

Yeah… like if she cares much about you.

She does. If she wouldn't, she would not have insisted that much.

Door is open.

Sometimes I think I don't even care what I think about.

I was breathing faster, and a pain in my chest squeezed my lungs. I was suffocating.

Door is open.

Yeah, there I laid, on the sofa. Feeling a thousand of shivers, trembling. It must be the temperature.

Damn it Fate, door is open.

I know, I want to shut it, but I can't move. What else do you want me to do?

I thought only your heart was weak. But it seems your body is as well. Your whole being is weak. You're useless.

Now shut the fuck up!

I don't want to. Besides, door's still open.

And what's the matter with the open door? Huh? Who is going to come here now?

I don't know who she is, but… Don't you feel like being observed?

Huh?

"Fate-chan…"

No, God. Did she follow me?

Yeah, that looks so. Stupid girl, I told you. You wanted to run away from her and now, look. She turns up at your home. That was all you needed.

Shut up!

Stop telling me to shut up; it's like if you do it to yourself.

I sat down as I could.

"Na… Nanoha… What the hell are you doing here?"

She was at the entrance, staring at me, frightened.

The hand, hide it.

"Fa… Fate-chan… I'm sorry to have followed you. You run too quickly. I almost can't catch you up."

She looked down, ashamed.

What the hell does she want now?

I don't know.

Get rid of her, now. Don't let her hurt you anymore, Fate.

No. I don't want her to hurt me anymore.

Then throw her out. Tell her to get out.

I can't do that. Look at her; she's really worried about me.

Yeah, but… Don't you remember that she didn't worry about you some years ago when you saw her for the first time? Have you forgotten it yet?

It's true. I know. But, what else can I do? Eh? What do you want? I can't do anything. You know I've tried to separate her, even move myself away from her, and even answering her very rudely… But it's useless… She never moves away.

Fuck, what does that girl want from you? Eh?

I slipped my hand through my forehead, it was burning.

I shivered, half-body laid on the floor.

I can't anymore.

No. You can't anymore. You're so weak.

"Fate-chan?"

I watched her again. She was really beautiful. Her eyes looked… had she cried?

Stop imagining weird things; Fate. Why would she be crying? Have you ever seen her crying anytime?

No. Never.

"Nanoha… what are you doing here?

I was trying to stand up. I swear I did. But my body wasn't reacting. I wanted to stand up, but I kept there, laid on the floor. I just wanted to close my eyes, just wanted to disappear.

To vanish.

To fade away.

Detaching the soul from my body.

Going faraway from there.

I didn't want pain, didn't want her to hurt me anymore either.

In just one second, I could fill myself of courage and I stood up.

"Fate-chan."

I saw her running.

I saw her coming closer to help me.

"Get out of here… I don't need help."

And I didn't realize then.

Idiot.

Yes, I am. I hadn't realized that I grabbed her shoulder with the wounded hand. And she took it between hers at that moment.

"Fate-chan… Please, stop doing this to you."

I looked at her, now that I was standing up.

She's so close… You could kiss her right now.

Kiss her? Are you crazy?

Yeah, it looks I am.

Don't do it Fate, you'll regret it.

I don't care about it. Maybe this shall make her to go.

Not a bad idea then. Force her.

Force her? No. I won't. I would never do such a thing like that, and you know it.

Kiss her, Fate. Force her to be yours.

No! Shut up! You're driving me crazy.

Watch her, she's pretty and could be yours. Look at her mouth, her lips. They're telling you to possess her.

No! No!

I turned around, facing away from her and letting go of her hand.

"Fate-chan, let me check that hand. The bandage is bloodstained. Tell me what you did in there, please."

I walked away a few paces, moving away from her.

"It's not a matter of yours, Nanoha, leave."

I headed for the kitchen without knowing really what to do.

"Fate-chan, please, let me help you. I know you've got temperature and you're feeling sick."

Her desperate eyes stared at me. She came closer to me again.

"Nanoha, I want you to leave. Do you understand? Get out." I said very serious.

Kiss her.

Shut up!

Kiss her.

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I know you're wishing it. Just look at her eyes. She's very beautiful and pretty. You could do it; you're at your home, who would find out?

I… I would… I will never do such a thing like that.

You will, I know you will. And I know it because you like her, you love her, you adore her, and you're even able to die for her. But it's funny; you're already doing it, aren't you Fate?

I've told you shut up!

Stop telling me to shut up, you know I'm right, shut the door. Make it now, close it. And now, make her be yours.

Shut the fuck up!

I put my hands on the head; I wished I could kill that fucking voice.

"Fate... Fate-chan... For real, have you seen your face?"

No, don't come any closer. Get away from me, Nanoha. Get away from here. I don't want you to look at me. I don't want you to worry about me. I don't want you to be here…

"BLAST OFF! You don't give up, don't you? I told you to get out… GET OUT!"

I did it for her own sake.

I did for my own sake as well.

I was dying to kiss her, to feel her.

Nanoha, I love you…

I love you…

I love you…

Yes, you love her. Make her be yours.

God, I don't want to argue with you anymore, I'm tired.

I felt as my strength fading away slowly. I was losing my body's control. Temperature must probably have gone up, and the stains at that bandage were even more intense. Catching that ball wasn't a good idea. It all started then.

No, it all started once you stared at that girl's eyes. Fate, you're so useless.

I know. Yes, I'm useless.

Don't faint now.

I don't want to faint; I just want to look at her a bit more.

And that's what I did. I watched her for awhile in silence. She was speaking, asking me things, said something about lying me down, about caring me. But I just smiled.

I felt cold sweats and couldn't stop trembling. If I'd die at that moment, while I observed her, that would be the most beautiful moment of my whole existence.

And then I felt her hands on mine. I was watching her again… But I moved her away again.

And rage rose up again.

She was dating that stupid Yuuno Scrya.

Yes, I know.

Kiss her. It's the only thing you can do to get her out of the house.

Fuck. I don't wish to do that. It wouldn't be fair. I… I love her; I couldn't do such a thing like that.

Do it…

No. I won't.

Do it.

I said no!

"Nanoha, get… out…"

I was losing my head and didn't even know what she was talking me about. I could only listen to a beep in my ears. I was wondering the cause. Maybe because of the temperature?

"Fate-chan, where is your room?"

'What does that matter now; I just want to rot at the bed.' I thought without saying anything.

"Let me help you Fate-chan, please…"

Don't let her. Grab and kiss her to make her get out.

No! I don't wish that, shut up now, please… I beg you…

I couldn't bear anymore. Nanoha held my arm and put it around her neck to take me to the bed. We arrived at my darkest room.

Kiss her…

Damn it…

Kiss her…

Leave me alone!

Touch her… make her be yours.

God please, no…

I knew you were weak, but I never thought you were that much.

I'm not weak.

Yes, you are. Very weak.

I left Nanoha's neck and stood in front of her. I couldn't bear it anymore. I shouldn't, but…

I held her face with both hands. I didn't care anymore about the wound. I think I wasn't feeling anything.

Nothing else mattered…

Nothing…

I kissed her.

Yes, that's what I did.

Well, Fate.

Her pretty lips were mine. I bit them softly.

I wanted to taste them.

I wanted to catch them.

I entered at her mouth fiercely.

With need.

With fury.

I took her tongue.

She put her hands on my arms. Her eyes were wide open.

She bit my lip until it bled.

It hurt but I couldn't resist it.

I couldn't move myself away.

She started hitting me at the back, pushing me away.

Logical, did you even believe she was going to like it?

She started shrieking my name followed by a 'No' while I was going down her neck and walked faster to immobilize her at the wall.

"NO! Fate-chan!"

I didn't care at all; I just wanted to remain shut inside that skin that nourished my sorrowful being. Somehow I knew what was going to happen later.

And happened.

I was kissing her neck, feeling her breath speeding up.

She kept trying to push me away from her.

I pulled of her bow, and broke her shirt.

My lips stuck at her skin.

But the strength forsook me.

And she took advantage to push me away.

I tried to return to the same place.

She raised her hand.

She hit me in the face.

It didn't hurt.

It wasn't hurting anymore.

I didn't feel anything.

"What are you thinking on…!?"

I ironically smiled. My mouth tasted like blood, and her neck was stained with it.

I know nothing else would happen between us. But I wanted to believe that if I would've been physically better, I'd have enjoyed it much more.

She had turned my face away with the hit, but I faced her again, staring seriously at her, with eyes wide open.

"I warned you… I told you to get out."

"You're not sane, Fate-chan. You wouldn't do such a thing like this. I scarcely know you, but I'm sure you will never be able to do something like this."

"What the hell do you know about me…?! You don't know anything! You never showed concern about me!!"

"Is that what you think so?"

"You're a liar!"

"It's not true… I always wanted to help you, but I didn't know how to."

"You're a liar!"

"It's true… But I'll never forgive you for what you've done today…"

"It doesn't matter to me, damn it…!"

"Watch your hand, doesn't stop bleeding…"

"LEAVE ME, DON'T TOUCH ME!"

"I want to help you!"

"I don't need your sympathy!"

"It's not sympathy..."

"You're a liar!"

I couldn't bear it anymore and started hitting the wall. The bandage was flooding on blood.

Another punch…

And another…

And another…

"Fate-chan!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Stop, please…!"

And more blood…

And more…

And more…

"I DON'T WANT TO!"

"PLEASE, STOP!"

She pushed me again to separate me from the wall. The punch mark remained there, I dropped myself crying. Anxiety, despair, madness, fear tears, I just collapsed.

Now you feel it, don't you?

Yes… Now I feel it.

Why doesn't she go away?

I feel it… and it hurts…

My heart…

It hurts…

Stop crying, you weak child.

Leave me… Leave me alone...

Yeah, keep going insane, that's all you needed.

"Fate-chan…"

She squatted to hold my hand…

"Oh my God, this won't stop bleeding, let me treat it."

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"

And then, I pushed her away. I felt the vision was becoming blurred.

No, not again.

Not again.

I was losing my head. But first I had to throw her out of there.

"GET OUT!"

I shrieked as loud as I could. I shouted to make her go; she stared at me for one second, shook her head and went out of my room.

My heart broke in a thousand of pieces when I heard the closing door.

You finally did it; Fate. She's gone.

Gone…

Yes, she's gone, now you can finish your ruin, stupid child.

Shut up…

Look at your hand, it couldn't get any worse.

I slowly stood up and headed for the bathroom, took out of my pocket a painkiller blister pack and took a few of them. I didn't want to feel pain anymore. It was so unbearable, so horrible…

I took a glass and felt how my body was shaking, drank water and then I threw it to the floor.

The glass shattered in thousand of pieces.

Just like my heart.

Like my soul.

Like my being.

A thousand of pieces.

My eyes' nectar.

The tears falling on the washbasin.

I removed that bandage.

What I saw looked pretty bad.

The blood was filling right up the wound and didn't seem to stop.

Knuckles were bleeding too, and the sweat drops at my forehead were mixing with my stare's salty water.

The cuts were infected.

Swollen and red.

The injury's edges were blackened.

And smelled really bad. Doubtless, this looked pretty bad.

I wouldn't be able to describe the pricks I felt, and the way I was palpitating.

That small red sea was dripping very fast.

And every falling drip was a drip less my heart wouldn't have to pump.

My face reflected upon the mirror.

The bags under the eyes belonged to me now.

My gaunt face because of the infection probably produced by that cut.

Look at you; you look like a human waste. What you were and what you are now. A total mess.

I already know. Damn, why do you remember me at any moment?

I just want you to don't forget it ever.

Now shut up… I should lay for awhile.

I arrived at the sofa and dropped myself on it. I was thinking on her, only on her. I brushed my lips and remembered that special flavour of hers.

But what an insanity. How did I manage to do such a thing like that? I knew this was going to happen. I knew it and even though… even though…

Better, she will leave you alone now.

I didn't want it to happen like that.

Whatever it happened, what matters now is that she'll leave you alone.

I felt very cold on my body, and the temperature seemed high too.

I should know at least how much temperature I have.

Sluggishly I stood up and searched at the drawers from the living-room's furniture.

The temperature was high enough. 40ºC wasn't something usual, I guessed. I'm not sleeping much, but it will be much better to lie on the bed.

I felt some horrible shivering. Nausea and sickness.

Nanoha…

Stop thinking on her.

I can't, it's not that easy.

Yes, it is.

No. It isn't, her flavour still remains in my lips. I can still feel her skin, her warmth.

I think you're delirious.

Probably, but… Isn't she wonderful?

Yes, a wonderful person is the one who has seen you for years and never has come closer to you even to say hello. It's really wonderful.

She said it, didn't she? She didn't find the way to do it. I'm a complicated person.

Yeah, I agree with that last statement. Although you shouldn't believe everything they tell you. That stuff about not knowing the way to come closer to you is just a lot of clumsy lies.

That's not true. Think I've never treated her like this. Her lips were so soft…

Fate, I think you're not okay. Even more, I think you won't be able to get up of bed tomorrow.

That's what you'd like, isn't it?

Yeah, perhaps I'll get rid of you by this.

I think it would be fine to write something, wouldn't it?

Your last words?

I meant a story.

You'd better off write something like 'Mum, I'm sorry for having died, but I'm stupid and useless.'

Shut up…

Starting to shut me up again?

Laid at that bed, I covered myself with the blanket, but the cold didn't fade anyway. And my head was worsening, was spinning.

And spinning.

And spinning.

I was trying to stare at the door, but it didn't stop moving.

What's this?

I think that what you see isn't real.

What? It is right there, for sure, it's like a shadow.

I'm not very sure. But I think that isn't real.

But it's moving, isn't it?

Fate, you should go downstairs to take something for the temperature.

It's… It's Nanoha…

You're obsessed.

It's true. Now shut up.

"Nanoha…"

Fate, she's not real, you're hallucinating.

I told you shut up.

"Nanoha… forgive me."

I watched that blurred figure moving and coming closer to me.

"Nanoha I… forgive me, please, I didn't want to force you."

I sat down in bed.

"Nanoha… please, answer me…"

She smiled; she was smiling at me, caressing my face. I felt her warmth… It was wonderful.

"Nanoha… I… I love you…"

She just smiled and then went away… from me.

"Nanoha… wa… wait, please… Don't go…!" I exclaimed, but she didn't look behind.

And suddenly, she disappeared.

I told you, you're hallucinating.

And more shadows… These ones were different.

Don't you see them?

You're still hallucinating Fate, you should try to sleep.

No… Nanoha is gone…

Fate…

After that, I just remember myself closing my eyes sluggishly. Was I that tired?

Wake up…

What?

Wake up…

What's going on?

Your brother is calling you.

"Fate… Wake up, please."

"Ch…Chrono… Is something wrong?"

He might have noticed the bathroom as you left it: bloodstains everywhere and pieces of glass on the floor.

"Fate, what happened in the bathroom? What's wrong with your hand?"

I quickly opened my eyes. He seemed to don't know what happened to me yet.

"…"

I just went blank.

Tell him something, whatever. Get rid of him.

It's not that easy. It's not that easy.

"Fate, what's going on? Tell me, please, what's wrong with you? Are you sick?"

He touched my forehead and I looked like a stone, motionless.

You'd better say useless.

"I'm okay Chrono."

Sure, and he'll swallow it. Think everything you say before delivering it.

"But, what happened in the bathroom, Fate?"

"Well…"

Yeah, how are you going to explain that? Huh? Just as I said, you're a real unlucky girl.

Shut up.

"It's nothing you have to worry about, Chrono."

"What have you said? Have you seen how the bathroom is?"

Yes, it's a dirty mess. I'll stay here watching every lie you tell him.

Shut up, damn you!

"I'll tidy it up right now."

He looked scared. I sat down in my bed and watched the clock. It was 2 in the morning.

"Fate, forget about it, please. You don't look fine, I'm going to call mum."

"NO! I mean… don't call her because of something like this. She must very busy right now, or even resting. I don't want you to disturb her; I'll take care of everything."

"Fate, do you know what you're asking me for? Don't do this again. You always hide everything that happens to you. Do you really think that's the best attitude?"

He was undoubtedly worried, but I couldn't let him tell this to my mother.

"Chrono, promise me you are not going to tell mum anything of what you've seen."

"Don't ask me for such a thing like that, you know I can't do it. Don't be unfair, Fate, you look pretty bad, you have bags under the eyes, gaunt face, and I could have sworn that you've got a temperature. And all that blood in the bathroom, and the pieces of glass. Damn Fate, it's not even the first time this happens, and you always ask me to keep secrets from things I don't even know anything."

I don't think he's going to shut up. Besides, it's the first time you do such a crazy thing like this, Fate.

I know. But I can't let my mother to worry even more. She had enough by adopting such a person like me.

Yes, you're a burden for her. If she would have known you before, she had thought it twice before bringing you to this home for sure.

"Chrono, I'm sorry for having worried you. But really, everything's fine. It's just that something went down badly and I cut myself. But I'm okay, I felt so bad that I laid on bed and fell asleep. I'll tidy it up right now."

"But… you look pretty bad, for sure. And that bound up hand… I have to call a doctor, you can't be like that."

"For real, I'm okay, it's just that I haven't rest fine these days, that's why I look this bad. I'll take something for the temperature now, you mustn't worry."

"But…"

I didn't let him speak.

"Trust me, I'm fine. I'll clean the bathroom and go to bed."

"No… I'm going to call a doctor, Fate."

"Chrono, I promise you that if I don't feel better tomorrow, I'll go myself to the hospital."

Well, his face looks convinced. But as soon as you get up and fall onto the floor, don't be surprised if he takes you to the hospital.

"All right, Fate. Do as you wish, but as soon as mum arrives, I'll tell her about this."

Honestly, I didn't care anymore. Who knows what may happen once she arrives?

You could be dead, for example.

Damn, you never shut up, don't you?

No, I'm a part of you, remember?

Nanoha... she was the first thing that rose to my head once I stood up. I watched the marks at the wall I've hit. Seems my brother hadn't notice it, what a relief… I didn't want another argue, I didn't have the strength to it.

Really, I don't know how you bear that much, Fate.

See? I'm not as weak as it looks like.

Yes, you are. Haven't you looked yourself? You're almost dragging, even though, you don't give in. Soon you won't be able to move, or even worse, you could die because of the infection you have.

So now, do you worry about me?

Not at all, the truth is I'd like to disappear as much as you, I'm inside your head, and that's why I'd like not to remain here any longer.

Yeah, I'd wish to disappear too.

I finished cleaning that mess. I felt even worse, but that was the best way to show my brother that I felt perfectly.

You're a liar.

Yeah, I know.

Now I'd even have become a fraud.

Eventually I arrived again to my room, and sat in the chair. I turned on the computer, and just like many early mornings, I started writing.

And like many other days, I watched the dawn.

I didn't sleep, but it wasn't strange for me. I hadn't been resting fine for awhile, and truth is I didn't care anymore.

Who cared? In the end, I was just an unlucky girl. My head was right, I was useless.

I healed the wound again, this time in secret. But honestly, I didn't know what was going to heal me now. Nothing was taking effect.

Not even the painkillers.

And the antibiotics I had taken that morning won't work anymore. Infection had spread so much.

I don't know how I arrived to the institute. But once again I was watching through those large windows.

Third day since I had cut.

Damn it. Things were happening out of habit.

What an irony, I hadn't even brought the meal of the day.

She'd spent the whole day ignoring me. I don't know what I wanted at that moment. That was just what I looked for, wasn't it?

Yes, that's it. What do you want now?

I don't know. But I hurt her. I will never forgive myself for it.

It's not that bad; you just wanted her to get out, didn't you?

Yes, but I never wanted it to happen in the manner it happened. I regret it.

Now it's too late for that.

Too late, I know.

I went upstairs, heading to the roof again. I felt a need to escape.

I wasn't hungry.

I didn't want to see anybody either.

But it seemed there was someone that wanted to see me.

And she appeared behind me.

"Fate-chan…"

I turned around to watch her.

"Nanoha…"

My face might have told her everything.

"You still look bad, Fate-chan."

"What do you want, Nanoha?"

I rest my arms on the kerb, turning my back on her.

"Fate-chan, I know that what happened yesterday was because of your condition. If you just would let me help you…"

And then she… leant her face in my back.

I gave a start, why was she doing that?

"What are you doing, Nanoha?"

My body tensed. Her hands seized my hip.

"I just wanted to feel the warmth of Fate-chan."

What the hell is this girl doing?

I don't know, but she's killing me.

Move her away now. Move her away from you.

That's what I want to, but… how?

Push her away. Get rid of her now.

And that's what I did. I released her hands and she moved away.

Again… the coldness again.

My heart got frozen again.

My heart collapsed again.

It broke into pieces again.

Tears. They wanted to go outside… They wanted to fill my stupid eyes with their nectar.

And I hanged my head.

I couldn't anymore.

"Nanoha… please, get away from me."

It was like I was begging, like a plea.

"Fate-chan, I can't get away from you, not like this."

Damn it.

"But… why not? What are you searching on me? Tell me Nanoha…"

I watched her; I turned around and stared at her. She was beautiful; her bright blue stare looked at me afraid.

"Fate-chan, I…"

I felt something inside. I was feeling dizzier.

I was becoming weak. She was speaking to me, but I didn't know what she was saying.

She had hanged her head, and a tear fell from her eyes in my hand, which she was holding between hers.

What was she telling me? Well… it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter anymore.

I just wanted to watch her a bit more time.

"Fate-chan, I think I should take you home, as you don't want to go to the nursery."

I could listen this. She watched me with some more tears. I was wondering if she had really said something.

"All right. I'll go home, I shouldn't have come today."

Why do you accept? Don't do it. You're supposed to move away from her, not the opposite, Fate.

Leave me alone, I can't anymore. I must lie on the bed; I think the temperature is increasing.

"Fate-chan, your temperature is very high, at least let me care of you."

Not at all. Don't let her help you.

No. I can't let her help me.

And finally, we arrived home. She insisted on going with me, I couldn't get rid of her.

Nanoha… my heart hurts.

Nanoha… my soul hurts.

Nanoha… my whole being hurts.

I felt the comfort of bed and a wet cloth in my forehead.

"Fate-chan, my God… Your temperature is very high. This isn't normal. How long do you think you're going to be like this? You're killing only yourself.

I half-opened my eyes. How beautiful she was.

"Nanoha… forgive me… I'm so sorry."

More tears again, flooding my stare.

"Do you know? You're beautiful…"

She was trembling like a little girl.

Her warm hand touched my face. It was like being in a dream, felt like I was flying very high.

Yeah, that was just the temperature, though I wanted always to be like that. I didn't want this to ever end.

"Fate… Fate-chan, your temperature isn't lowering. I'll call the doctor."

I just want to die. Let me die as I observe you, Nanoha.

"No… don't call him. I don't want any doctor."

"But… Fate-chan, you've got a temperature of 40, you can't stay like this. Something may happen to you."

I didn't care anymore.

"I said no. I need to sleep, only to sleep."

I held her hand; it wasn't only warm, no. Her sweet scent, it drove me crazy. I love her. It can't be… I don't want to love her like this… It hurts me…

I closed my eyes as that distress and happiness sensation was enrapturing my being.

Later, everything was darkness.

Later, everything was calm.

I don't know how much time passed.

I just know that, once I opened my eyes, she was still there.

But sat down in front of my computer.

The room was in darkness, and only the moonlight was entering through the window. She was reading something, but what did she read?

Maybe something you wrote last night.

No. She wouldn't do such a thing like that.

Then tell me, what is she doing there?

"Na…"

Rather, I preferred to remain silent and stand up slowly. I got closer and behind her, and watched what she was reading.

I told you.

It can't be. She was reading one of my stories, I bowed the head, and my trembling body started to fill with anger.

Even I started to fill with anger myself.

She noticed I was watching her, and turned around to see me.

"Fa… Fate-chan, I…"

I clenched my fists strongly. Damn, why didn't she leave me alone once and for all?

"I want you to leave."

"Fate-chan, forgive me, I didn't want to read it, but the screen turned on and I…"

"Stop meddling in my life. I thought that you'll move away with what happened yesterday and that you'll leave me alone. But it seems I'll have to hurt you."

My eyes exploded in tears. They went across my blushed cheeks; they slipped until breaking on the floor.

"Get away…"

I repeated again with my voice loaded with hatred.

"Fate-chan, listen to me, please. It wasn't deliberate in any moment. Besides, you write in a very beautiful way, I couldn't stop reading. I'm so sorry…"

She bowed her head, but it didn't matter to me anymore.

"Get out! Disappear once and for all. Get out right now and don't come back anymore. I don't want to know anything about you, Nanoha. GET OUT!"

I shouted angry. She looked up.

"I thought… what I told you at the roof… I think you didn't understand me, Fate-chan."

At the roof? Then she really said something.

"What did you say at the roof?"

She stared at me.

"No… it doesn't matter, Fate-chan. You must have you own reasons. I'd better get out, hope you'll got to visit a doctor tomorrow. I won't bother you anymore."

I closed my eyes.

That's it; let her go once and for all, you don't need her. You'd better forget her, just forget about her.

I can't…

Yes, you can.

NO! I can't… I love her… I'll never be able to forget her. But this feeling will last inside of me forever. Nobody will ever know it.

Dying is better, then.

Why do you say it?

Because living like that is like being dead in life. It doesn't bother me; I'll make your life a misery for the rest of your existence. But that's the worst one of deaths, undoubtedly.

Yes, and that's how it'll be. I don't care dying like that. I'm happy with watching her in the distance and silent, as always.

And I spent another dawn writing. I changed the bandages again.

That wound smelled even worse.

'It could be like dying slowly and irremediable of love.'

I wrote at that screen.

Another story.

Another chapter.

And this one seemed the last of my life, writing such a beautiful utterance with such trembling hands.

To die…

I want to die…

Do you want to die? That's very easy. You just have to take a lot of pills, and you'll stop suffering. Everything will end.

Everything would end… here… now…

Yes, your suffering would finally end. You're not doing anything here. The only thing you get is worrying everyone with your whines. Nobody wishes them. Besides, why do you need to keep living? For whom are you living, Fate? It's as useless as you.

You're right. I'm not doing anything here. I always bother everyone. My mother only took in me because of the pity; she would never love me for sure. It's all a lie.

I'd stop to feel this towards Nanoha.

To die… that's what I want.

An orange-coloured sun rose up and was shining the darkness inside my soul.

The best is to die…

I repeated myself over and over again.

I stood up and noticed my brother had already gone.

I entered at my mother's room.

"Mum… "

I whispered in vain.

You're so stupid Fate. She won't answer you.

True. Not she, not anyone, because I'll take no-one with me in this last journey.

I searched on one of her drawers. There they were the pills she used to take for sleeping when her stress was very evident.

I sat down on my bed again.

I watched that small pills container.

Die, Fate.

I want to die.

Die…

I will die.

I swallowed that pills container without thinking, and suddenly a beautiful sleep began to close my eyes.

I'm saying goodbye, Fate. I hate you.

It's a pleasure; I don't even know what's your… na… me…

You don't need to know it…

"Fate!"

Someone… is…here…

And… then… darkness…

* * *

**_A/N_**: Well, undoubtedly striking. I hope you have liked this second chapter as much as I liked it while writing it. Honestly, I had never written anything so anguished, but seems I'm not that bad. Anyway, for those who didn't like it, you can always expect to the other updates of my pending fics. This fic will be a bit short, as I conceived it as a three-chapter story, so the next one will be the last one. I'm saying goodbye here, thanking first the people at Convivencias for their strong support. And of course, go to Nanoha's Classroom at Coyuhi forums. See you on the next chapter.

**_T/N_**: Not much to say, rather than thanks for your comprehension regarding every possible mistake and I wish that you'd like it. I'm doing my best to complete the translations as fast as possible, but I'm a bit busy rehearsing with my band, and I can't devote as much time as I'd like to these duties.


	3. III

For me, I never had a happy life…

For me, they were just dreams…

For me, there was no escape…

There she was again. Staring at me.

She was staring at you.

Her blue eyes were staring only at me.

She was staring at you.

Her lovely hair, under that blooming cherry tree. The dusk…

The flowers from the cherry trees.

Falling sakuras that looked like snow… but in spring.

Spring.

Nanoha I… I will love you forever. I told her.

Just a gaze would be enough.

It didn't matter if she felt the same as me.

It's okay; Fate. That loneliness, which always comes with you, shall die someday.

Loneliness.

I don't understand it but… I love her and nothing else matters to me.

Nothing else matters. Just tell her what you feel.

Would it be enough?

It will, I promise. It doesn't matter if she doesn't return your love. I'm sure you'll feel consoling in your sad soul.

Who are you?

Don't worry; I'm still your conscience. But as many things have passed through you, I've realized of something.

What?

The love you feel… Will never disappear, won't it?

Yes, that's it. I will never be able to stop loving her. Ever… Because her eyes won over me one of those mornings.

I know it, I was there. Forgive me for all the harm I've done to you. You're not weak, you're not stupid.

Thank you…

You're not stupid, but above all you're not useless, for anyone. Not even for me. I need you, I love you, and there are a lot of people that loves you too.

Now it's too late… too late for that.

No, it isn't. I assure you this doesn't end here.

But I'm already dead.

No, you're not. I promise you're not.

Then tell me, how can I come back?

You just need to open the eyes.

I can't… I can't feel my body.

Yes, you can.

I can't…

Yes, you are there, open the eyes.

To open the eyes…

Open them…

To open my eyes…

Yes, open them.

* * *

_**In Silence.**_

_**III**_

_**By NaYmCo.**_

_**Translated by AnkarayaSamura

* * *

**_

"Fate-chan…"

It was… mum…

"Fate-chan, my daughter…"

Mum…

I softly opened my eyes; I didn't know what had happened.

Finally I'm still here.

Those were the first words that came to my mind.

The woman who adopted me looked worried. My brother was in that room as well.

It was a white room.

Smelled like a hospital, like disinfection.

The typical smell of medicines. It made me remind when my real mother went. She was in a bed like this one, and I dropped on it begging her not to leave, never to leave me… but it happened. So now it's my time to lay here.

I guess I'd worried everybody.

Fate, what you never wanted to happen, happened.

I know.

I will never let you do it again. If something happens to you, it's better to speak.

Speak…

Let's start again, Fate. Just live again, give yourself a second chance, give your own being a second chance.

I will.

"Mum… I'm so sorry…"

"Fate, how did you have such an awful idea?"

"Chrono… forgive me, I…"

"Tell us what happened to make you do such a thing like this."

What can I tell them?

Truth is… You've always been suffering, always putting up with pain.

"I… felt useless. I always felt you adopted me for pity, and that you'll never see me as a daughter or a sister. I felt lost… I felt alone… Inside that loneliness, I…"

I can't.

Yes, you can. Tell everything. It will set you free, believe me.

"Fate, how can you think such a thing like that? Perhaps do you think I brought you because of the pity?"

"I wasn't used to feel beloved, so it was always hard for me to believe that you were living me."

"We love you because of you, Fate." said my brother holding my hand.

"You've scared us all, when I found out, I came running ahead."

She came running ahead…

"Chrono, I guess it wasn't pleasant for you to find me like this."

I bowed my head with sorrow. I felt the warmth of his hand on mine. I looked at my other hand, it was correctly bound up. I guessed I wouldn't have the infection anymore.

"No, truth is I didn't find you, I was called once I was at University."

I wide opened my eyes. If he wouldn't have found me and neither my mother…

"How?" I asked afraid.

"That's it, I was called too. I came from the North of Japan, the fastest I could."

It couldn't be…

"Then who…?"

"It seems you have a very good friend that was very worried about you. She took the keys of home, without permission, because of a presentiment."

Presentiment… It can't be, she…

"Yes, Nanoha-chan entered at home without permission, but honestly, I'm grateful for it."

My mother was looking at me with a smile. Nanoha had entered… but, why?

I don't know Fate, but it's obvious that she didn't want to lose you.

But… I always treated her very badly. Why did Nanoha…?

My face was a contradiction reflection.

A woman wearing a white coat entered claiming that I needed to rest.

The door.

The door?

Yes, watch who stands there.

Nanoha…

She was at the door, afraid to enter, gazing at the scene, and staring at me.

Nanoha…

My heart started racing again.

And my lips were calling her…

At least I must tell her what I feel. The reason why this all happened.

Yeah, but relax, you're still sick. And you must recover soon.

Yeah, my body feels very painful.

But don't treat her bad. I know you don't wish to be like you used to be anymore.

I still must apologize to her.

It was weird; despite I felt very bad physically, I was feeling joy inside of me.

Yes, that must be what they call happiness.

Happiness…

Her inquisitive eyes spoke to me in silence.

A silence where I was the only one listening.

"Now we must leave, Fate-chan has to rest."

I confirmed my mother's words by moving the head.

And the doctor stood looking the copper-coloured hair girl that was staring at me afraid.

"Takamachi-san, I'll let you speak to her for awhile, but don't get her upset, she must sleep."

At the same time, that white-coat woman smiled at me, expecting some kind of answer from me.

I nodded my head and she went out of the room, leaving us both alone.

"Nano… ha…"

I bowed my head, ashamed for what had happened.

"Fate-chan…"

Her voice sounded sad, though as warm as usual.

I looked up to see her. Her lovely eyes were telling me everything.

Everything.

I'd become the inevitable stupid. My behaviour towards her had no excuse.

"Nanoha… I want to apologize for everything I've done."

I caressed my bandaged hand, remembering how worried she was about me.

About someone like me.

"Fate-chan, I don't need any apologies. Just please, don't give me a fright like that anymore. Promise me you won't do something like that anymore."

Her desperate look was staring at me. She had held my hand between hers, and took it to her chest.

I felt her heart beats.

Strong and fast.

But beautiful.

Her warmth was filling my being with sweetness and thought I was dying from the inside.

My painful body had fulfilled with strange sensations.

First sadness. Pitiful. Pain.

Tears I couldn't hold starting to slip through my cheeks.

Then the happiness. Joy. Something that was overcoming me like an aroma.

Like the scent of her skin.

I wished to embrace her at that time.

I wanted to cry at her chest.

I wanted to tell her that I was sorry for everything that happened.

I wanted so many things.

Though none of them were delivered through my lips.

"I…"

I was suffocating in feelings. I knew some of them, but others were new.

Oh God Fate, speak.

I can't.

Tell her something. Whatever it is.

I can't. I can't even hold my tears.

"Don't say anything, you don't have to promise me right now… I just don't want you to move me away from you like this."

She softly caressed my hand.

The doctor carefully opened the door…

"Takamachi-san, I must ask you to go out now, she must rest. Besides, you can visit her tomorrow if you want to."

She'll go Fate, but don't worry, I'm sure you'll clear up everything soon.

Nanoha nodded her head and give me a lovely smile.

"I'll come tomorrow if you let me to."

"Su… Sure… I won't go from here."

Then I was the one who caressed her hand.

And then, she went.

My happiness grew every day. Her daily visits cheered me up.

Little by little, I recovered. Until the day when, finally, I left that hospital.

However, my hand still needed some rehabilitation time. They had stitched the wound, and I had to follow a treatment in a very rigorously way.

I guess that when you're at death's door, or after managing to pass a situation like this one, you see everything in a different manner, with different colours.

Despite I was still very depressed, I knew I'll manage to recover. Also she was there, beside me.

I got used easily to go along her to the library, or eating together at the Institute. The hardest issue was see her with him.

One evening, after going out of classes, I was going along her as usual until the park where we had met for the first time.

"Fate-chan, is something wrong?"

"No… I'm fine, Nanoha. Hey, I've just invented something new for a story."

"I really want to read it. Do you know something? There will be a writers' contest soon; you should enter on it, I'm sure you might win."

A writers' contest?

"But, I…"

She kept me quiet by putting her finger on my lips. She had been doing it recently, and she didn't know how painful was for me to feel her skin like that. However, I just tried to smile.

Even though, I felt happy about being able to share many things beside her, like the times I was writing. She always encouraged me to go on.

"I don't want a 'No' by an answer, Fate-chan."

She was simply beautiful. How dare I to deny something?

Her blue-eyed stare was the loveliest one I've ever seen in my life. And that was what charmed me since I saw her for the first time.

The first time, do you remember?

Yeah, I remember it quite well.

I was just nine then. I'd lost my true mother just a year ago, and I still was totally downcast. She appeared that day at the school. Everybody talked in a low voice.

'She's very pretty' said some.

'Very nice' said others.

But honestly, I just fell in love with her stare.

That infinite blue. Without beginning or end. Where I can, fortunately, lose myself among them every evening now.

Now… we lose among them, Fate.

Yeah, that's it. Although she and me, we aren't anything but friends.

When will you show her your feelings?

Would it be useful?

Of course it will. It will definitely set you free.

Maybe I'll do it.

But that moment was so perfect. So beautiful. We had stopped at that lonely park. She was right in front of me.

I was reflected upon her eyes. And the cherry trees… those I once dreamt with, right the day I thought I'd died.

You may call it a déjà vu. It might be, though I think that's when you don't know if you have lived it or not for certain. In my case, I didn't live it, but I know I dreamt it.

In the dream, she was standing in front of me, just like she was at that moment.

Cherry trees were detaching its pretty flowers.

The difference was that, in my dream, I spoke. It wasn't that easy at the real life.

It is, Fate.

"Fate-chan, your birthday is tomorrow, will you throw a party?"

It was true, I'd completely forgotten it.

"I don't know."

She stared at me oddly, expecting for a safer answer.

"It's okay… My mother will probably do some kina of celebration like every year."

I remained thoughtful for a moment.

"Na… noha… I never asked this you, but… that day, the day you found me, what happened exactly?"

She took my hand, which still had a small bandage.

"That day, I knew something was going to happen, that's why I took your keys the previous day. When I arrived and found you on the bed, I couldn't believe it. I called an ambulance, that's the first thing I did, and then I hugged you… I slapped you on the face. I was trying to get any reaction from you, but then I felt your breathing was slower and slower. It finally stopped, and I had to give you the first aid. I kept you like that until help arrived."

Her reaction was strange while she was speaking. First, she was staring directly at my eyes, and then she turned the stare away. Later, she bowed her head, and I could even see her blushing.

Don't you wonder why does she blush?

Yes, I'd like to know it, but I don't dare to…

It's obvious Fate, she gave you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. And that only means that…

She…

Yes, her lips met yours. Even if it was just to save you, it's natural that she blushes.

"I think, I never thanked you as I should have done, Nanoha…"

"Fate-chan, you don't have to thank me, I just did what was advisable."

She waved one of her hands like if she was denying, a hand I grabbed between mines.

"Nanoha… Thanks for saving my life. I don't just owe you my life, I owe you everything…"

I stared at her as warmly as I could. She looked at me for a second; I think she was trying to answer something. But then she seemed to be captivated by my eyes.

Do you think those are things I imagine?

No, you're not imagining. This is really happening. Nanoha is just paralysed in front of you.

"Fate-chan…" she whispered.

I openly smiled.

That smile was returned.

And my heart sang filled with happiness.

It was beautiful to feel this.

Yeah, it was.

It was so warm inside my chest.

Warm.

I'd like this to never end.

If you don't wish so, it will never end.

"Fate-chan, now I must go, I'll give you the address in which you can enter at the Writers' Contest. I want the world to see the beauty of the things you write."

"Na… Nanoha… I… My birthday is tomorrow and…"

She put a finger on my lips.

"You know I wouldn't miss it. Besides, there's something I have to clarify with you."

Clarifying something with me… what would it be about?

Who knows what comes through this girl's head?

"What do you have to talk with me about?" I asked.

"You'll know it tomorrow."

She slipped her hand softly through my face as she laughed. Then she turned around and went out.

Tomorrow was going to be my birthday, for me it was going to be the most important one, or that's what I expected at least.

She was moving away from me.

In that place again.

Under those cherry trees again.

But this time, in a different way, a very different way.

I arrived home with a silly smile, that didn't fade for the rest of the day.

My mother commented me about the party, and wondered if I wanted to invite someone. I obviously told her about Nanoha.

"I'm glad that she comes, Fate-chan, if you wouldn't have invited her, I'll have done it myself."

She finished saying this with a huge smile.

You'll use the chance to show her your feelings, won't you?

Yes, that's it. Even if she doesn't return her love to me, I feel I must do it. After all these years, I must do it.

It'll be a good moment.

I also wanted to ask her something important.

What?

Do you remember that conversation we had at the roof, before everything that happened?

Of course I do.

I will never knew what did she tell me that day. So I'll have to ask her.

It's been nearly a month since everything that happened.

Yeah.

Don't be sad. I'm sure you'll feel much better after telling her what you feel for her.

I hope so.

I didn't sleep anything that night. And it was Saturday even. We wouldn't have school the next day, so I'd see Nanoha at the party during the evening.

I was walking nervously in the house. I couldn't stop watching the clock at every moment.

"Fate-chan, why are you so nervous?" my mother asked.

I looked at her for a moment.

"It's… it's… mum, I must tell something to her."

She stared at me oddly.

"Tell me, is something wrong?"

I sat down at the living-room's sofa and rubbed my hands together very nervous.

She sat beside me, expecting for what I was going to tell her.

"See mum, I… Well, this isn't easy to tell, but… I'll try my best to explain myself."

She smiled and nodded her head in agreement, letting me to go ahead.

"I… since a long time ago, I have been feeling something special for someone. This person, after many years, spoke to me, and I felt very happy, though sad at the same time, because she was dating someone else already. Everything that happened… it did because of the way I felt. It was a nightmare; I made the greatest mistake of my life by denying these feelings. I don't know if she will return her love to me, as she's dating someone, but I feel I have to tell her. I've made this decision, and I'm going to do it today."

I bowed the head, thinking that trusting such a personal matter to my mother was a crazy thing. But she just caressed my head and smiled warmly.

"My daughter is growing up. I'm sure that Nanoha-chan would also feel nice if you show her your feelings."

I wide opened the eyes. Was it that obvious?

That looks so, Fate. You're not good on hiding things. But that means your mother will never leave you all alone, and that she truly loves you, from her heart.

I felt so happy that I couldn't do anything but to hug her.

"I'm glad that Fate would finally dare to tell me what you were feeling for her."

I stared her, ashamed. The blushing was obvious in my cheeks, and making my mother laugh.

At that moment, the door's bell rang, which stood me up.

My brother opened the door and…

…there she was.

So pretty.

So simply pretty.

My heart.

My eyes.

My face.

My soul.

My whole being called her in silence.

In silence, just like always happened.

She greeted my family, and I remained paralysed.

"Fate-chan, happy birthday, I hope you will like it."

She gave me a present, left it in my hands, as I wasn't reacting.

And once I opened it, remembrance. A black book. The book that made we speak each other for the first time.

Poems.

"Thank you, Nanoha…"

I went blank again. Wordless. I blushed and she laughed softly.

"Fate-chan is still very shy. I love it."

Did she say she loved it?

Yeah, she said so.

The party started. My mother's present really surprised me. It was a female red-haired, puppy.

"How would you name it, Fate?" my mother asked.

I held her for a moment and stared at her eyes.

"I'll call it Arf."

They all laughed, I guess because of the funny remark.

"Seems it likes you, look the way it stares at you."

That little puppy was lovely.

"It has been in my room for some time, maybe you should take it outside for awhile."

"Yes, I'm coming with you, Fate-chan." Nanoha said.

I think time has come.

Yeah. Time has come, Fate.

We were walking slowly through that park.

Sakuras were falling lazily.

Evening was sleeping the sun among colours.

Orange shades.

Yellow ones.

Red ones.

And she…

Smiled at me as I ran along the puppy.

Arf was jumping trying to grasp those flowers.

And Nanoha imitated it.

I was just watching the scene.

It was so wonderful.

I couldn't describe something like this.

"Fate-chan… Come here for one second…"

She waved her hand attracting me to her, now that she had sat under one the cherry trees.

She was observing the puppy, which had found a stick and was biting it.

"Na… Nanoha…"

Her hands were at the back, and she was resting on that cherry tree.

She was staring at me.

I came closer to her.

"Fate-chan… Your puppy is very lovely."

I looked at that puppet that was still having fun as I laid myself on the grass.

I smiled.

I faced Nanoha again. She suddenly looked at me very seriously.

"Fate-chan, yesterday I told you I had to talk with you about something."

I nervously nodded.

"I… don't know if you remember what we talked about at the institute's roof."

That surprised me. Was she going to tell me what happened?

"Y… yeah I remember, well… honestly I just remember you saying me something, but I never told you that I didn't understand what you said."

She looked at me with amazement.

"You didn't… But how could it be?"

I smiled ashamed.

"When you began to speak, I felt dizzy and couldn't pay attention to it."

She bowed her head.

"I don't know if I could repeat it again."

And right then, I became serious and plucked up the courage. The time had come.

Good luck, Fate.

Um… I must tell her, it must be right now.

"Nanoha… I… need to tell you something important."

She stared at me oddly.

"Nanoha… I've been watching you for a long time in silence. You have noticed it before for sure. I… since the first time I saw you… I felt something inside of my being."

I held one of her hands between mines.

"I felt I was dying for you, every time I saw you. I felt I was collapsing from the inside every time I saw you, and I was invaded by a strange happiness too. I was only nine and was very bad at that time. My true mother had gone by then, she never treated me very well… So all those feelings were new for me."

We couldn't stop looking each other's eyes. I needed to get into them. It was weird, but my nervous, somehow, had already disappeared.

"Nanoha… What I'm trying to say is… I…"

Come on Fate, you can do it.

I can do it.

I plucked up the courage again; I filled myself with strength by seeing her in front of me, silent.

And the blushing rose up again at my cheeks.

"I… Nanoha I… though you refuse me, I have to tell you this."

It will set you free.

Take a deep breath.

"I love you… Nanoha, I love you…"

And she broke the connection between our stares. She looked sad.

"I… I'm sorry, I…"

She put a finger on my lips.

"Fate-chan…"

She whispered my name again.

I knew for well what would happen next.

I took her hand away from my mouth.

"I know for well what would happen next. I don't want you to feel bad because of this. It's just that I felt I had to do it. I'm not asking you to go out with me, you're dating Yuuno Scrya."

She threw her arms round my neck and hugged me. She perplexed me; I wasn't expecting it at all.

"Fate-chan… Fate-chan…"

Her body shook mine. I enclosed her with my hands and then…

I lost myself…

I faded away in her warmth.

It was so wonderful.

So wonderful…

So special.

And was she… crying?

"Nanoha… What's wrong? Are you okay? Why are you crying?"

She seized even more to me.

"Fate-chan…"

She split up from me, breaking the hug. What was happening?

"Fate-chan…"

Her eyes were piercing mines like arrows.

She put her hands on my face.

Caressed me.

"Nanoha…"

A tear was descending through her blushed cheek.

I slipped a finger taking that nectar.

She smiled at me.

"Fate-chan, Yuuno-kun and me, we left it some days ago."

What? Did they leave it? But… she was…

My confusion face was growing even more.

"I left him because I couldn't return his love."

But they seemed so happy…

"Yuuno-kun's family and mine wanted us to be together. But I don't love him. I couldn't. I can't and I'll never be able to love him as he deserves."

Her eyes kept crystal-clear after saying me those words.

"Fate-chan, that day at the roof, I realized I couldn't keep deluding myself anymore."

Her caresses in my face were like a heaven's blessing.

"What I told you was very important for me. I… Fate-chan… I don't think I could repeat it one more time."

My eyes opened wide.

I trembled.

My hands grabbed her round the waist as an automatic action.

My heart cried.

My soul filled.

My being became detached from my body, and started flying everywhere.

I was streaming.

In a perfect empty space.

Her lips.

Mine.

There were no spaces between them.

She kissed me.

I half-opened my mouth.

I felt hers.

I kissed her.

Our tongues became one.

Nanoha was kissing me, and my heart was dying.

The happiness.

The need.

The never-said words were told with that kiss.

In silence.

Just her breath.

Just mine.

Her arms around my neck.

Mines round her waist.

Nanoha…

A thousand of whispers left my soul.

A thousand of words were told by her lips.

In just one kiss.

And after breaking it, we fade within our stares.

Her pupils asked for mines.

But there were no syllables, no sentences, and no phrases, to describe such a thing like that.

Fate, after so long, finally.

Finally…

"I love you, Fate-chan…"

The best remember of my life.

Those three words I always wanted to have from her.

Those I always waited for.

That hope which never forsook me, were shouting them to me, constantly.

Everything else would have an answer from now on.

After that day, only more came.

By her side. She, beside me.

Everyday I was dedicating poems to her as kisses. Every night. Every morning.

Not to separate ourselves anymore.

Forever Nanoha…

"Fate-chan… read me that verse once again."

"Mou… Nanoha will always be a romantic."

"Fate-chan is more than me."

I smiled and opened that poetry book. The one she gave me as a present the day of my birthday.

"Allright… here it goes…"

* * *

'How blue your eyes are, and when you laugh

How their soft clarity reminds me

Of the tremulous shine of morning

The sea reflects upon its waters.

How blue your eyes are, and when you cry

How the crystal tears that well up in them

Seem to me the drops of dew

That collect upon a violet.

How blue your eyes are, and how their depths

Can radiate an idea like a point of light,

How much they seem to me a lost star

In an evening sky! Oh!

_____________

What is Poetry?, you say

As you fix my eyes with yours of blue.

What is Poetry!... You ask me that?

Poetry… It is you.'

* * *

A/N: Well then… here is the last chapter, dedicated to all of you romantic people. And the idea about this poem came to me after thinking. After reading it, I felt it could be Fate the one reading it to Nanoha, because I've been describing Nanoha's blue eyes throughout the entire fic. It just worked perfect. The poems are Rhyme XIII and XXI by Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer, just in case you didn't know. That's all; I hope you have enjoyed this fic, which came to my mind so suddenly that I couldn't think of writing anything else. Now I must devote to the chapter of 7 Días, if not I'd be a dead woman… I'd like you to visit Coyuhi, and listen to the radio. I'm a Dj during the weekend, just in case you'd like to listen to my voice.

Regards and see you on the next chapter I write. Wiiiii

PD: This chapter is dedicated to my dearest beta. For you, thanks to be there, in good and bad moments. I love you so much Vainilla.

* * *

T/N: Just a little thing to say, thank you so much for all of your comments, and thanks for having followed the fic until its end. I don't know if the Boss is going to send me more work, though it depends of her hahaha. I felt Bécquer's poetry is a hard-working task for a simple Translation Student as me, so I preferred to use a faithful translation I found on the Internet instead. Those translation credits belong to Richard Haney – Jardine.


End file.
